Revenge recap: Start your revenge-ines

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April 2, 2013 by Susan Miller


Susan: How silly was that masquerade party?  The last time it was this silly was at that weird skeet shooting party where everyone was wearing jodhpurs and carrying around muskets.  At least this time it seemed like the writers were in on the joke.  Is this a new Revenge tradition?  Ridiculously bizarre Hamptons parties?  I think I could live with that.

Steven: Jodhpurs!  A spelling-bee word if ever I saw one!

Susan: I know, right?  Unnecessary h’s are a competitive speller’s worst nightmare.

Steven: The masquerade was silly, but I also thought to myself, “How has this NOT happened on the show before?”  It all just fell into place so easily.  What I thought was terrifically silly was the quote-unquote fight (because putting it in actual quotes is not sarcastic enough) between Charlotte and throw-away masquerader guest #7.
Throw-away Declan: Let it go.
Throw-away Charlotte: I can’t.
Audience: (the sound of crickets as they fight the urge to get up and check the fridge)

There are definitely times when I go check the fridge for a snack, when I know that I’m not going to miss anything vital to the plot or to my fulfillment as a human person.  And those times general coincide with Charlotte being on the screen.  With Declan the writers sometimes force plot into his scenes, a la the Ryans, but even then it’s usually plot that I wish hadn’t entered the story in the first place.  With Charlotte, there is just so little added to the show.  I feel like she’s there to appeal to some sort of demographic.  But seriously, if Emily isn’t enough of a strong, interesting character to catch that group of viewers, then I don’t know how whiny, illogical Charlotte is going to do the trick.  However, Declan is by far the most annoying character of any show I’m currently watching–or quite possibly of any show anybody is currently watching.  And there are a super ton of reality shows.  In fact, I just saw a commercial for a reality show about storage units.  And then I realized that it wasn’t even the famous one.  This show was created after the success of another reality show about storage units.  There are now TWO shows that follow people around as they RENT STORAGE UNITS.

Let me just recap:
Charlotte and Declan are still dumb.  (And Jack is getting dangerously close.)

People across America are right now deciding which storage reality show to DVR and which one to watch in real time.  Have I missed something?

Susan:   You have missed something.  You’ve missed the one character more annoying than Declan.  Ziggy from The Wire.  Shudder.

The Charlotte fight was completely random and dumb, much like Charlotte.  I love that scene where she’s just staring at Emily’s house pretending to have all these deep thoughts.  And what’s with her hot and cold relationship with Declan?  Are they trying to very subtly foreshadow a dark period for Charlotte?  Will she finally die?  Will she wander into the Hamptons ocean (sea?  lake?) Ophelia style, driven mad by the masked taunters?  It’s all too insignificant to care about.

Oh, and the show DID have a sort of masquerade party before.  Remember?  In those Target commercials?  I can’t believe you forgot about your most favorite ad campaign of all time.

Moving on to Jack (and ignoring the storage unit rant, because I’m on Alex’s side), on a scale of 1-10, how stupid is he for going to Ashley for help with his plan?  Can Ashley be trusted?  Will the writers let her be consistent enough to be trusted?  Will they (gross) become a couple?  Will Jack ever learn a new angry face?

Steven: I don’t think the actor who plays Jack has another angry face.  I think this is it.  Four versions of happy–one being the force himself to be happy for Amanda face that he wore the rest of this season–and then this one version of angry.  I don’t believe I’ve actually seen him otherwise.  It’s like Declan’s faces: dumb and… nope that’s it.  Okay, I’ll lay off Declan.

Do you think there will be an Awakening moment with Charlotte?  That would be nice, but I think it would be purely a house-cleaning issue–that is, it would be the writers trimming the fat.  For it to truly resonate, I think Emily would have to be the one to walk into the ocean.  Maybe that’s how the series will end… Emily will exact her revenge, free Mason Treadwell through a taped confession, and then walk straight into the ocean, finishing off what her mother started.  That’s my new prediction.

On Target commercials: I was really irritated by that.  And then Cougar Town did a whole episode in a Target.  I clearly can’t get upset with Cougar Town, so now I feel like I’m applying this double standard.  Maybe I’ve been applying double standards this whole time with Revenge.  Maybe I secretly loathe the fact that I love this melodrama so much, and therefore I’m taking it out on Neiman Marcus…  Maybe I just really thought they were stupid, unnecessary ads.  I’ll let you be the judge.  But they were really ridiculous.

Susan: Cougar Town‘s gotta pay the bills somehow.  On a show like that, it seems somewhat plausible that Bobby and Travis would wander into a Target commercial for half an episode.  It’s not like that show is concerned with an ongoing mystery or plot development.  I refuse to speak ill of the cul-de-sac crew.  Every decision they make just means we get more Ellie and jelly bean and Jules not knowing movies and imaginary opera gloves and morning routine song and penny can and, and, and.  Bliss.

Back to the show at hand… I really hope that it doesn’t end with Emily walking into a body of water, unless of course, she’s been trained to walk into that body of water and underneath the water there’s an even bigger double infinity box full of secrets about her grandfather, the original Initiative scapegoat.  I could get behind that.  I really thought the show would end with the Graysons disgraced, on the street, looking like Borat and Helena Bonham Carter in Les Mis.  Unfortunately at the moment, we have to deal with Jack’s crazy face and Nolan’s tortured, twitchy grieving.  Maybe he’s doing a good job of the grieving, but it seems melodramatic to me because I never believed that he loved her.  Padma never came to life and now she’s dead and it seems so silly to care about it in this Beautiful Mind sort of way.

But more than that, can we please talk about how the Initiative plot was essentially ended in this episode?  Oops, Aiden made a bad trade.  Oops, we want out.  Oops, Daniel and Emily can be together, together now.  Seriously?

Steven: If this were a movie, it would totally end with an even more secret double-infinity box.  Dare I say a Triple-infinity box?

I was also pretty confused about how easily the Initiative laid down.  Maybe it was to make up for last week when everybody else laid down and let Padma get taken away?  Either way, there seems to be a lot of convenience going on, plot wise.  The Beautiful Mind business really bothers me, because instead of having everyone think and fight and care at the beginning, they’ve just made Nolan into an even twitchier Carrie Mathison… That’s all I have to say about that.

Susan: Well okay then, Mr. briefy pants.  What say you to Emily posing as a troubled pregnant girl to steal secrets from a nun?

Steven: I told you that Emily was getting a little bit more evil this episode!  I was befuddled somewhat by this tactic.  Part of me thought–Oh boy, what if Emily IS pregnant.  What if, on top of being in love with Aiden though having to have a faux-lationship with Daniel, she’s also carrying Daniel’s child!? (This kind of thing is probably why I am full of self-loathing, because it really would be a great twist!)  If, however, she’s just doing this to get in with the nuns, which I’m sure is more likely, then she has lost some of my favor.  If Emily turns out NOT to be with squirrel, then I think this is crossing a definite line.  They wouldn’t even need to deal with a pregnant Emily either, because the season is almost up.  Theoretically, they could end the season letting us know that she is indeed pregnant, and then pick up again next “summer” after she’s already given the baby up or is trying to raise him/her with Aiden/Daniel/Jack.  Remember when Jack was relevant to the continuation of the show?  They’re trying so hard to bring him back from obscurity, but I just don’t see it happening…

Susan: I found it really annoying that Aiden was “disgusted” with Emily about her relationship with Daniel.  What game does he think he’s playing?  I get that it’s disturbing and weird, but what else is Emily supposed to do?  (This is also why Philip and Elizabeth will never make it work over on The Americans.)  If Aiden is really supposed to be Emily’s soulmate, he’s going to have to have a thicker skin about the collateral damage of her revenginess.  I’m kind of over Aiden at this point.  He messed up the Padma deal, made us trudge through the Initiative business that went nowhere, and distracted our dear Emily for most of the season.  Oh!  And he’s probably going to blow Emily’s cover.

As for the nunnery, I think it’s kind of a fun move, if only for the way she ninja’ed her way on to the bench.  But in the end, it’s just leading to the reveal of another Grayson child, which is going to fall flat, because all Grayson children plots fall flat.  How can two duplicitous, scheming, secretive parents produce such boring offspring?  It might be the most criminal thing they’ve ever done.

Steven: I think it goes back to Hannibal Lecter’s roller pigeon theory.  If one parent is a shallow-roller but the other is a deep-roller, the offspring will be deep-rollers.  But if they are both deep-rollers, then the offspring will all fall to their death.  In this scenario death is being pretty but terribly dull.  Did I say “terribly dull”?  I meant, “atrociously, ridiculously, go-to-the-fridge-for-a-snack dull.”

I am also kind of over Aiden.  Though I do feel bad for Phillip & Elizabeth.  Why didn’t he just TELL her?  He could’ve just TOLD her.  And then they would’ve had a chance at reconciling right then and there.  I think what upsets Elizabeth so much is that he didn’t have to be with Irina.  It wasn’t part of a mission, but rather a personal decision he’d made.  O Phillip, you dolt!  You could’ve, should’ve done things differently!

Next week: no new episode of Revenge.  Sad.  Instead, enjoy a promo for Steven’s other, other favorite show.  Cheers!

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